dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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