he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
