genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
