my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm too high and old for this...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize