Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
