Heybabeimwearingurpanties
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
