Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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