Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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