Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
