I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
