Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
