Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
