genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need moral support for this bender
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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