if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
