New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
