You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
