i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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