Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
