I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
