is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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