You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
