In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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