Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
