You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
