I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
