ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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