I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
