i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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