I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
