OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
