She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize