Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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