I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
