Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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