I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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