why didn't you poke me back
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
