Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
