Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
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