I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
