Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
