Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
