My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
