epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
