Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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