he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
