Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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