i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
