Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i now understand why vodka
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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