It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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