I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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