"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
