I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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