This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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