i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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