I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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