she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize