He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
