she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
