my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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