I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
