I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
