sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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